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07 October 2007 @ 09:22 pm
From October 7 Les Semaines  
I'm still feeling somewhat fragile and am having trouble even thinking about writing right now. There was a big article in both local papers yesterday about the State's Labor and Industries Office's findings about the murder in my office last April. The Seattle Times article put the blame specifically on her supervisor, which makes me furious. The Seattle PI seems to understand the situation better.

But all this brings last spring's emotions back so strongly I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I tell myself to just suck it up but it's harder than I would ever have thought. I'm sure all my friends and readers are sick of it. I'm sick of it. I keep wondering if this is just how it's going to be from now on. Kind of like when you've had a particular pain for a while and you wonder if this is just life from here on out.

But it's not all bad. Had a lovely dinner with friends last night. I've been loving the stormy weather. The kittens are still a delight and Sophia hasn't peed on me or anywhere else (that we know of and we did use a black light to check around) for over two weeks! Go anti-anxiety drugs! She still terrorizes the kittens periodically, though, and I really, really wish she wouldn't, but I know it's not that she's doing it to be mean. I just have a really, truly, forever unhappy cat.

My Mom phoned this evening to wish me an early happy birthday. We were talking during the sunset, and kept exclaiming about the golden light suffusing everything. Mom saw apricot, but we only got bruise-purples and pinks after the gold. So funny having a conversation where we kept interjecting comments about the current colours. "Apricot!"

Tomorrow I turn 49 for the first time. I'm not sure how many times I will continue to do so. This will likely be the only time, but you never know.
Carlcarl_allery on October 8th, 2007 04:27 am (UTC)

And the sunsets sound gorgeous. :)
(Anonymous) on October 8th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)

Indeed it was lovely. And fun to share a sunset over long distance. Even though we don't physically live that far apart, because of the international border and all the water between us, my parents feel far away. Fun that we could see the same light.
Neile Grahamneile on October 8th, 2007 04:04 pm (UTC)
Oops---that last one was me. I forgot to log in first.
Darja: ammonite ladyombriel on October 8th, 2007 04:44 am (UTC)
Sorry to hear of the office situation; you're in my thoughts.


In other news, I wish I could be there for those storms and those sunsets. And Happy Birthday. :)
Neile Grahamneile on October 8th, 2007 04:05 pm (UTC)
Thanks. It has been difficult around here, but friends have really helped me through it.

Thanks for the birthday wishes!
meredithsmoemeth on October 8th, 2007 05:25 am (UTC)
Wow, I had no idea about your co-worker ... that's awful. :(

(Back when it happened I was immersed in all sorts of family badness so I wasn't paying attention to any sort of national news.)

I hope you have a happy birthday!!
Neile Grahamneile on October 8th, 2007 04:09 pm (UTC)
There's no particular reason why you would have realized that it was at my workplace (except my Mom did see me hugging a friend on the local news). Sorry for your family badness, which I didn't know about. I hope it's better now.

My birthday is indeed starting well. Jim made me a mocha and already gave me a card, a work friend gave me lovely earrings, my sister phoned, and we're all (including Tamar) meeting for sushi for dinner tonight.

Thanks for the good wishes!
Kate Schaeferkate_schaefer on October 8th, 2007 05:42 am (UTC)
I think it will be like any other grief: it will be this way for a while, but not forever. The anniversaries will hit you hard, and probably hardest the first year.

It will be horrible every time they write about it, though. It's been more than 20 years since three murders of people I cared about, and two of the murders show up in various reporting contexts still, because they were of students in particularly vulnerable situations. It's a punch in the gut every time I run into it, no matter how long it's been, no matter how many times it's happened before. My gut recovers faster than it used to, though.
Neile Grahamneile on October 8th, 2007 04:19 pm (UTC)
The up and down part of it is the thing that throws me the most. I think I'm over the worst of it, and then it all floods back in as though the months hadn't passed, especially when the news brings it up again or now when they re-opened the room where it happened, now re-purposed as a classroom.

The punch in the gut feeling does already go away more quickly. Even today I feel much less fragile than yesterday when I read Saturday's news stories. I've lived a life remarkably free of tragedy before this and it has taught me a lot about, well, everything.

Three murders, though, Kate. Three. I don't know how you stand it, except it's not like there's a choice. That's one of the things I've learned.
pats_quinade on October 8th, 2007 06:21 am (UTC)
I wish I had some great wisdom to add, but "hang in there" is the best I've got. I'm glad that you've got a support network.
Neile Grahamneile on October 8th, 2007 04:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Patrick. People caring means a lot. I do have a terrific support network, and am very lucky in that.
Maura McHugh: serene gracesplinister on October 8th, 2007 09:05 am (UTC)
Good luck tomorrow with the job, and I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Anniversaries of such occasions are difficult, and the first year is the hardest. It will get better (or at least your reaction will change) over time, but that's difficult to imagine now I realise. Thinking of you. :)
Neile Grahamneile on October 8th, 2007 04:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Maura. I am having a good birthday.

Things here at work are quiet and okay. I'm mostly worried about her supervisor, who came in so unfairly for most of the blame in one of the newspaper stories. I'm on the look out for him. In addition to his personal loss and pain, he's also been receiving harrassing phone calls, and I worry that this will bring on a new flurry of them.

Thanks for your good thoughts.
Ada Milenkovic Brown: Ada McGrath of The Pianoaccordingto_ada on October 8th, 2007 02:30 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you're dealing with such a stressful situation.
Neile Grahamneile on October 8th, 2007 04:24 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Ada.
Ada Milenkovic Brown: Piglet's present to Eeyoreaccordingto_ada on October 8th, 2007 02:33 pm (UTC)
Early happy birthday! Hope tomorrow you get to do something fun. And as to the question of whether you should officially enter your next decade next year -- well, I'm 53 and all I can say is "come on in, the water's fine."
Neile Grahamneile on October 8th, 2007 04:27 pm (UTC)
And thanks for this, too.

All my over-50 friends have been saying that it's a wonderful time of life, so I'm looking forward to it, really, even if I do joke about the 49 forever thing. I wasn't 29 forever (though it seemed like I was because for some reason the whole time I was 28 I kept saying/thinking I was 29) nor was I 39 longer than the normal time.

Sushi for dinner with friends! Really looking forward to it.
Carlcarl_allery on October 8th, 2007 07:45 pm (UTC)
In understand that 50 is the new 40 *g*. Hope you had a great dinner. Happy Birthday. :)